Napi Horsemanship

What the fuck?

It’s been the one constant for me over the last six months. When I was sitting in the ER being told my platelets were too low to be allowed to go home, being sent from hospital to hospital, being told I have cancer in Billings, going to Seattle because Billings couldn’t treat me; the back pain that only dilaudid could touch, having two lumbar punctures done, being told I’m now on surveillance because my scans after chemo looked clear…

What a funny place to exist, between having cancer and having had cancer.

The internal turmoil I experienced in those two months sitting around waiting, was so much worse than chemotherapy. At least with chemo you’re actively fighting it. After chemo before those scans, you’re just sitting around not knowing if cancer is taking over your body again or not.

The word remission wasn’t used at all, the word used was surveillance.

It was a quiet victory after my doctor visit and we discussed what happens next. More scans in six months. No need for a bone marrow biopsy.

It wasn’t that movie type of celebration I thought it would feel like. It was a quiet, solemn relief. At least for now I get a break. It’s always going to be “for now”. The need to protect myself will always be there now, so my celebrations will be kept to myself. The word remission wouldn’t change how I feel I know. Even though my body is now healing, what about my heart? My soul? It’s an exaggeration, but it feels a lot like “I might be alive on the outside but I’m dead on the inside”. All the trauma doesn’t just go away like one would hope.

Now is the time of learning how to heal the trauma that is left behind. I have found that going back into the midst of the trauma and replacing the negative memory with a good one has been most effective. It’s not easy though, reliving your near death encounter. Anxiety is so sneaky. Most of the time you don’t even realize it’s there until after the worst of it has passed. And it’s always the darnest things that bring the anxiety rushing back. The little things has been my most recent motto these days.

The human body is incredible. The respect I have for my flesh now. I’m in awe. Within the last two years my body has created a baby, birthed that baby, then survived cancer and chemotherapy. Is the body only as strong as the soul? I doubt how strong my mind is these days.

Every single WTF has an equal moment of what I can only describe as forgiveness. The ability to let go. That’s why horses mean so much to my soul. King has been my biggest healer since being back home. I got to trot bareback on him not to long ago, only for a brief moment, and it took a lot mentally to be there. But I did it and that feeling I got after is priceless. It’s healing.

I will always be in awe of life and the experience. And thankful for those that have showed up for me and stayed by my side as I experience some of the worse WTF moments I have had in my lifetime.

And her story goes on…