Napi Horsemanship

Who am I anymore? Am I that girl that had cancer? Has cancer? Where did the girl before cancer go?

There’s so much to say but when it comes to putting them on the page they no longer wish to be thought. Maybe these are my secrets and I’m just not ready to share them. It’s easy to write about the physical trauma and how I cope with it. But when it comes to mental trauma there is a lot more pain that seems harder to share with the world.

It’s my pain and I want to keep it for myself.

It feels like all I have left of myself is my innate passions; horses, nature, music, and being a mother.

How does an almost 30 year old woman start over again? I have so many questions that will never have answers.

I’ll begin again where I first felt safe. In the presence of a horse. You can talk and put on a face for everyone around you but when you’re standing in front of that horse there is no hiding. They feel you. I’m grateful for my horses and the ability to share my soul with them. My horses and my partner are the only ones that will know my secrets, my unanswered questions. It’s better that way. To keep some things for yourself.

Maybe we are our secrets. It’s not about sharing them but being authentic to them I think. Being real with yourself and who you are. A lot of that is the ugly stuff too. The mistakes and the anger.

Then you can dive into things like forgiveness and letting go of the things that no longer work for us or our path.

See; so much to say but nothing to say at the same time.

Sorry it took so long to finally write up another post. No one warns you about the limbo land in between chemotherapy and the first scans after it to see if you’re in “remission” or not. It’s been more mentally taxing for me than active chemo. The not knowing if all that pain paid off or if cancer is currently taking over your body again. I’m hoping to create a horsemanship series through YouTube as I restart my horses and myself. So keep your eyes peeled for that popping up on my feeds, Real Healing Horsemanship Series. Thank you for your continued support as this is only just the beginning of another chapter.